The debate: whether or not to medicate

Today I seek it.
A pill to calm the chaos in my heart
To slow the flow of emotion to my brain
Something to soften the sharp shards
Of my shattered soul
To numb my need to feel and be felt, 
Stop the ache and fill the emptiness. 

So for the past few weeks I've been in therapy. Again. I broke down badly. Again. Not sure which was worse, now or then. Rock bottom, again. 

Since the second session the psychologist has been advising I try medication: antidepressants and mood stabilisers. Not keen. Been there, not pleasant. It didn't relieve the anxiety, it only dulled my senses. I was "witless". It didn't sooth the sadness. I still felt like the pressure of choked up tears was going to kill me. 

We disagree, the wizard (shrink) and I, on whether or not to medicate. I only recently and reluctantly started accepting that I have depression, as a condition. For the better part of 30 years the symptoms have been there. I just never joined the dots or saw the pattern. But as they say, the truth cannot be denied, any longer. I have depression. 

I however understand that my depression is as a result of trauma. Emotional trauma. So does it not make sense to deal with that? Help me to talk it through till I am "comfortable" with it.  I don't see the sense in medicating. How is a pill going to fix the problem? Its only going to numb the pain, isn't it? 

They say it will help me cope with the current chemical imbalance ... Cos that's what depression is - a chemical condition, something to do with nerve endings not having happy endings. 

So where are we at? The storm rages so fiercely inside me that some days I fear I'm going to explode. Then maybe medication is not such a bad thing. I'm back to worrying that the sadness is going to kill me. The anxiety strangles me and the sadness pummels me. It's going to kill me. 

 

So drugs it is. It's hard, accepting mind altering aids. I've never even smoked a cigarette, let alone done drugs. I fear even the prescribed kind. Fear I won't be in control and we all know how I need to maintain control. But that's just it, isn't it? I'm already losing control, to the storm.

I think of the words of the John Meyer song, "Lightning strikes inside my chest to keep me up at night. Dreams of ways to make you understand my pain".