To calm the nausea she writes.
But it doesn't help like it used to.
Like a resistance to a drug too often used.
Why do they say you feel emotions in the heart?
It's the stomach.
You feel happiness and sadness
and excitement and anxiety
all in the stomach.
Wednesday, 23 March 2016
Nauseating disappointment... Again
It's not from lack of medication. It's not because my chemical coma has worn off. It's not the monthly melancholy my fairer sex suffers. It's an unexpected and indescribably painful disappointment.
A disappointment in him.
It's taking a bend and finding myself staring down a miserably familiar road.
A road I don't think I'm strong enough to travel again.
A road I don't feel I should have to travel again.
Nor will I wait on this spot for him to return from his detour. Go ahead on his merry way he may, but I can no longer entertain this foolishness.
Not again. Not anymore.
I'm instantly nauseous. Nauseous as the recollection of humiliation washes over me.
Always falling short.
Beating myself up for not being what he wants.
Well Fuck That.
Really, really truly FUCK YOU.
Fuck off too.
God, I hold my own hands to restrain myself from slapping his shinny bald head.
I want to hurt him so badly that it hurts me to hold it back.
I want to hit him so hard that he'll suffer brain-damaged - permanently disabling his "I am a dwoos" lobe.
Take a breath and push the bitterness deep down into my gutt.
Take a breath and remember that nurturing anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
But other than being angry, what am I supposed to do?
I don't know.
I only know that I can't do more of what we've been doing.
A disappointment in him.
It's taking a bend and finding myself staring down a miserably familiar road.
A road I don't think I'm strong enough to travel again.
A road I don't feel I should have to travel again.
Nor will I wait on this spot for him to return from his detour. Go ahead on his merry way he may, but I can no longer entertain this foolishness.
Not again. Not anymore.
I'm instantly nauseous. Nauseous as the recollection of humiliation washes over me.
Always falling short.
Beating myself up for not being what he wants.
Well Fuck That.
Really, really truly FUCK YOU.
Fuck off too.
God, I hold my own hands to restrain myself from slapping his shinny bald head.
I want to hurt him so badly that it hurts me to hold it back.
I want to hit him so hard that he'll suffer brain-damaged - permanently disabling his "I am a dwoos" lobe.
Take a breath and push the bitterness deep down into my gutt.
Take a breath and remember that nurturing anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
But other than being angry, what am I supposed to do?
I don't know.
I only know that I can't do more of what we've been doing.
Monday, 14 March 2016
The curse of cancer
How my heart hurts. Tonight I grieve for people I've never met. I'm overcome with sadness for a woman whose life will never be the same, again. Through my tears I read of how the love of her life and the light of her soul was laid to rest today. A mother lost her only son. To cancer.
(I feel guilty for being grateful.)
My God, how do you deal with losing a 6 year old to cancer?
How do you as a mother recover?
You're never whole again.
How do you even pretend to be OK?
Mothers who have to bury their children should be able to choose to die and be buried with their babies.
God, though I can't comprehend your reasons I have to trust your wisdom and I pray for your mercy. Please, I beg, grant this mother peace in her heart. And I beg you God protect my children... Protect my family.
(I feel guilty for being grateful.)
My God, how do you deal with losing a 6 year old to cancer?
How do you as a mother recover?
You're never whole again.
How do you even pretend to be OK?
Mothers who have to bury their children should be able to choose to die and be buried with their babies.
God, though I can't comprehend your reasons I have to trust your wisdom and I pray for your mercy. Please, I beg, grant this mother peace in her heart. And I beg you God protect my children... Protect my family.
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