Fragmented

Fragmented. Into several sides I decide to share with selected people. Never the whole me, cos I doubt they could cope. 

Or is it a matter of me needing to be a certain person with certain people so that I can cope? So that I can escape. 

But sometimes the burden of all my personalities becomes too much to bear and I wish I could share a hint of my darkness, confess my brokenness. I'm not sure for what purpose. Am I looking for someone to say, "I understand and it's going to be ok" or do I want to see the shock and horror in their eyes as they realise the extent of my sickness?

Maybe I want someone to see the real me and still love me. I want to know if that's at all possible. 

I've tried being what I thought they wanted and still they can't love me. 

Oh and those enlightened individuals who can appreciate my dark soul often forget that I have a human heart. One that beats and breaks, and unfortunately falls in love. Not their fault however, for I marketed the package as "filthy mind and willing body". No fine print stipulating "seeks loving, long term relationship".

But all this is so far from the point. What was my point? Oh yes:

I'm fighting the urge to blurt out "I'm a dirty, damaged, disgusting, demented and desperately lonely person, tired of pretending to be a socially acceptable model of myself". 

Some days I fear that this confession is going to burst out of me. 

Other days I fear that this fact, if not confessed, is going to kill me.