The things that keep me up at night - The Butterfly Effect

Have you ever watched the movie The Butterfly Effect? Such a beautiful name for such an awful movie. A frustrating and awful movie. 

I find myself thinking about that movie tonight because that's almost what life feels like these days. Like I'm watching a remake of a horror movie and I'm powerless to change the outcome. 

As hard as I've tried to rewrite the plot the ending remains out of my control. I feel as if I'm tied to a chair and forced to watch. Painfully restrained n forced to watched my worst fears play out in real life. 


Only it's way, way worse this time. Worse than when I lived through it. Because this time I'm filled with dread for my dear children. My babies. 


Oh the irony. My son and daughter. My Id and Ego, my Vladimir and Estragon.

I always say I see so much of myself in my son. The guilt kills me. All my anxiety, neurosis, my total lack of self esteem all passed on to this poor, undeserving boy. And my daughter. My innocent, loving little girl. So giving and caring. It's exactly that kindness that makes you vulnerable. 

What am I going to do?

I can't ignore what I see. I may not.  I can not. 

I can not risk my children. I will not risk my children. I have to protect them, at all cost. I'm not helpless. They are. They rely on me to protect them.

I have to be brave. I have to stand up and stop this movie. I will not let this evil plot continue.