Caged birds and crazy girls

Tempted to up the dosage on my pills. Will two cilif take the sadness away faster? Because I desperately need this feeling to stop. It's so frustrating not knowing why you're sad. I feel the threat of tears. The pressure builds painfully in my chest but it's as if the tears won't burst free until they have a reason. I need this release. I need the relief. So I wish I could just cry already. 

I understand why troubled girls cut themselves. I understand now that when you cut skin and the blood flows what a relief it must be. I'm not saying I would ..... But I do get it. 

I think I could scratch though. Scratch my skin broken and open to ease the itch. What itch? The itch of anxiety. The restlessness I can't calm, when my heart thumps and my stomach flutters and my skin crawls and my brain spins and I think I'm going to die from the craziness and I almost wish I would die in that moment just to stop the craziness. And I can't cry because the cry is stuck somewhere in my throat, so I scratch at my neck. Scratch hard at my naked shoulders. The clawing hurts but the pain is better than the itching. By far better than the itching. And when it hurts I forget for a second about the itch and the flutter and the thump. But only for a second because there again is the flutter and the thump and the itch and I want to die. 

No, not actually. But I would settle for a cry. 

Maya Angelou might have known "why the caged bird sings", but I know why the crazy girls cut.