On the Pill

No, not that kind of pill. 20mg of Cilif and 300mg of Epilim. Why did I resist so much? Why was I so reluctant to take these things? Cos I worried that it would turn me into a zombie (again). I was worried about dependence. I’m so terrified of losing any kind of independence. I feared that I would need or become addicted and that it would have to be a permanent, lifelong requirement.

But it’s been about a month . . .

I honestly feel as if the colour has been turned on and the volume turned up. I feel more myself – the me I’d be if I wasn’t scared all the time. I mean generally I push myself to be the person I want to be, buts it’s exhausting, it’s never comfortable. I know it’s insane, it makes no sense: making yourself be someone you’re not. But I know I’m not the alternative. I am not a “kloosterkoek”. I love dancing. I love sharing my creative side. I can finally acknowledge that I have a creative side. Another thing I was too scared to believe about myself. THAT’S insane! That’s why I take my happy pills. I am happier everyday because of my happy pills.